Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Children and Funerals Don't Mix

Top Ten Reasons Why the next Funeral I attend I will go it alone:
1) Children, they make you run late, always. The more prudent it is to be punctual or early, the later you will actually arrive. 
2) Toddler Quotes and Narration: "There are two Fathers Mommy, One-Two, One-Two, TWO FATHERS!  See Mom, One-Two Fathers!"  I know...please just stop talking!
3) If you have two small children at some point during the service they will head butt each other, and they will react as if death is eminent. 
4) The Toddler running around eating the snow that he had just stepped on at the graveside. Me unable to gracefully deal with it because of the wiggly-Stage-5-Clinger in my arms. "The snow is tasty in my Tummy" he explained to the priests afterwards. 
5) Trying to grab the 3 inch stiletto heel of a girl standing behind us in line at the reception. (The boy does have good taste in shoes, they were adorable....I'm just hoping he didn't look up her dress) 
6) Wandering away from all of his "new friends" and taking off solo without a coat to the park behind the High school  instead of playing nicely with the other kids at the VFW Hall. 
7) Separation Anxiety: AKA -clingy baby who cried at any movement by Mom for fear he would be abandoned. 
8) More food was worn in hair and by the floor than was consumed. Apparently mashed potatoes are the new hair gel. 
9) Always with the untimely diaper changes/Potty Breaks.  The VFW hall has curtains instead of doors on the stalls in the ladies bathroom. After actually finishing his business, the Toddler thought others may be up for a friendly game up Peek-a-Boo. 
10) "I had really fun time at Foonwal (Funeral) we go to another one?"

Thankfully my Sister came and sat with me and helped wrangle kids.  She was smart enough not to bring hers.  However an ongoing argument ensued  about whether or not he was in fact her nephew.

After such scandalous genealogical revelations were aired:
Including the likes of these earth shattering zingers:
Did you know that grandma is Mommy and Aunt Bs mommy?
Aunt B and Mommy are sisters, just like you and {the Big D} are brothers. 
 You are my nephew, and {my kiddos} are your cousins.


I not nephew!  I {The Toddler}!

I not a cousin, I not a nephew!

Nooooo, she not my Aunt, she just Aunt B....and she not my Nephew either!

Oh the horror, I know bud the world no longer makes sense.

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