Yellow Ribbon

Now that this deployment is over I can look at the past year in a more positive note.  The biggest pro to come out of it is meeting some the strongest, kindest women.  And making some great friends.  I really wish I would have taken more pictures, because there are more than 5 that helped me through it.

The February Yellow Ribbon Event in itself contained a lot of great information, but by far the biggest benefit of it was networking.  The only ones who can truly understand what you are going through, are the ones going through it with you.

260th Army Wives

These two gals are the best ab workout routine ever.  

Seriously, you will laugh so much it will hurt for days...in a good way.

My wonderful friend and her four beautiful daughters.

Spring

Spring is nearing, 

yet the temperature is cold.

It taunts me with a day of sunshine,

then takes it away with a forecast of snow.

The days on the countdown trickle away, 

yet the length of each day feels like it stretches on and on.

How is it time can both fly and crawl?

Anticipation is building,

impatience is growing,

my concentration is gone.

Our time apart begins to feel as unbearable as the first weeks after you left.

We have both grown and changed during our time apart.  

I can only hope, that it has been for the better.

That the strength we have found inside ourselves,

still allows us a need for each other.

That cold lonely nights soon are replaced by the warmth of family cuddles,

 and watching over our precious children as they sleep.

The time can't go fast enough yet it is the wait the makes the return so wonderful.

I love you and despite the cold temperatures, 

days remaining, and the thousands of miles separating us.

In my heart it is Spring and we are together.

Care Package...I Lost Count

I have been slacking on the Care Packages...on sending actual packages, but more so not doing any posts on the ones I have sent.  I don't know what number I am actually on anymore.

The idea of at least one a week went away because the Hubby didn't want anything.  He also doesn't want something sent just for the sake a sending anything.  His general requests he still had a good stockpile going, so I'm assuming the FOB he is on has a pretty well stocked PX. Either that or I went overboard on the quantity on the supplies I did send.

On the agenda for the Holidays though I am going to go ahead and let Pinterest inspire me for some projects.  Some art from the boys and lots of handwritten letters to fill his You are loved binder.

Last week I sent out two packages.

Halloween Care Package: 

• Goodies Bags with Candy that shouldn't melt for all of the Hubby's roommates
• A Trick or Treat Basket filled with Candy for the Hubby
• (The Toddler wanted to send pumpkins...but I vetoed that addition)
• Dice and a Halloween Strobe light

General Hygiene Care Package

• Shaving Cream (Hubby's fav brand)
• Baby wipes
• Cu-tips
• Whitening Floss Picks
• Magazines that came in the mail.

Some Days are Harder than Others

The past few weeks have been hard.

The feeling of being alone while around other people.

The even bigger feeling of being alone when no one is around.

It is knowing that no one around you can understand.

It is the sympathy from people who don't really get it, but genuinely seem to want to. The pity that makes it worse.

It is living so far away from the people that do get it and are going through the same thing.

It is wanting to get out of the house and do something fun, but feeling guilty for it.

It is the people you want to be there for you that aren't. Those you thought you could rely on that you can't.

It is staying up late because you are in the habit of going to bed at the same time as your husband...but he isn't there.

It is falling asleep holding the phone night after night and never having it ring.

It is trying not to cry when your child talks about his Daddy being gone and what they will do when he comes home.

It is trying to explain to two children under 3 that everything is going to be okay, and telling them what you need to hear.

It is the struggle with the changes you see in yourself.  The hardest adjustments to marriage for me:  accepting help, considering other opinions, compromising and deciding courses of action together.  Now I struggle with feeling helpless because I allowed myself to become dependent, to let him make choices and decisions, letting go and trusting him...and now being alone. Now I am supposed to make all the calls, and its hard.  It was hard to give up having the final say, but it has been even harder taking it back.

It is moving farther away from the family you have known all of your life to establish your own family...and then feeling abandoned.

It is feeling like your support system has been stolen from you.

It is feeling guilty for taking some much time from the people that you can rely on and count on.

That the person who means the most in the world is so far away and unreachable and you realize you really are on your own.

It is putting on a smile when you feel like crying.

It is taking a deep breath when you feel like screaming.

It is missing the one person that always made everything better and put things in perspective.

It is feeling like a ship in the ocean with no anchor.  Just drifting with no feeling of home.

It is battling depression and anxiety, while the side effects of the medication are the same as the symptoms.

It is not wanting to ask for help, but knowing you need it.

It is trying to become numb and trying to stay the same person.

It is hard and it hurts. But I am not the only one to go through this.  I will not be the last to go through this.  I will get through this.  I am stronger than this. All I need to do is remember to pray, gather strength from God and cross out another day on the calendar.

Uncles are a Wonderful Thing

"I so tired in my pickup"

Those were the last words I heard out the Toddlers mouth last night.

We drove to the Big City after work to have supper with my sister's family and also engaged in an intense game of Hide and Seek in the Dark. (Neither of the boys are stealthy and completely ruin perfect hiding places....just so you know. I'm not bitter....or overly competitive. I'm just stating the facts....and maybe a little over-competitive and resentful for them making me lose. Moving on)

The boys were needing a male role model fix.  Uncle D fit the bill. The Toddler has been begging to visit his Uncle, Aunt, Cousins...and even their dog.  It was good for mama's heart too.  To be surrounded by family and laughter.  To have a break from entertaining kiddos. To visit a home away from home. To relax with loved ones.  To take a break from the lonely. To do something for both myself and the boys.

There are just some things that Moms aren't as good at as Dads are.  That is what the boys have been missing.  Testosterone.  Is it any wonder the only people who get willing bye bye hugs are the men?  Mushy mom is okay for cooking, reading books, talking walks, and saying prayers before bed...but she just isn't quite enough all the time.

Rough housing, filled in with Horsey-back Rides and Tickle Attacks and various Manly lessons about life. Being thrown up into the air repeatedly and playing out before the adult doing the tossing.  Undivided attention combined with physical activity.  Outdoor games, and not worrying about getting dirty, schedules, or bedtime and just that special connection.  You know what else?  It helped the Toddlers fear of the dark.  

Luckily the boys do have awesome uncles.  In no way do they replace Daddy, but they do help fill the void left from him being gone.  When hearing his voice reading them stories, looking at pictures, and talking to him on FaceTime aren't quite enough.  Them having good role models to look up to is priceless. 

On the way home, I heard "I so tired in my pickup" and just like that: the-little-engine-that-could, my in-house-energizer-bunny, little-mister-go-go-go, was drifted off to dreamland.  Just like that the 80+ mile drive was more than worth it.

And it was a good night for all of us.

Again We Are Thankful to Receive

Dear  Hubby,

A couple friends came across this picture frame and thought of our boys, so they bought it for them.  I love it!  Now I just need to find the perfect picture of all three of you. Do you ever notice that sometimes a small gesture comes at just the right time?  Even though you are a million miles away from home, you are still in the minds and prayers of so many people. This deployment isn't about me at all, but it sure effects me. It helps to know that the boys and I aren't the only ones missing you.  This little gift made my day, I hope sharing it with you that it might make yours.

You are a great role model, father, husband and hometown hero. I hope you know just how many people love you, and how many more are proud of you and everything you stand for.

On the Receiving End

The boys and I have been sending care-packages to the Hubby for awhile now, but earlier this week we were the ones that found ourselves on the receiving end of a gift.

After a knock on our door, a couple of High School girls delivered a bag full of thoughtfulness to our home. This signed note was attached:

The music students of {Small Town} schools want to give you some goodies.  Thanks for sharing your dad with us.

The boys were pretty excited to get to open their present.  These are the little things that remind me of the huge benefit of living in a small town.  It is nice to know our hometown heroes aren't forgotten.  While I would always prefer appreciation, gifts, and support be given directly to the soldiers, it was nice for my little family to be acknowledged for the sacrifice made here at home.  It was a way for my children to share the excitement of opening a package and imagining how Daddy must feel when he opens something from us.

From the bottom of our hearts,
Thank You

You will notice the Toddler is pretty much always in his "Daddy Hat"
...he only takes it off for bath time.

Working Moms: The guilt that keeps on giving

Before the Hubby and I got married, "The Plan" was to stay home with any children we may have and I would go back to work after they started school if I so chose.  We both valued growing up in the country and not going to daycare.  We both felt it was important to have a parent raising kiddos during their early years.

The reality though was a different thing all together.  When we welcomed home our bouncing baby boy back in the Fall of 2009 I was the only one with a full-time job.  The Hubby was still going to college.  He was helping out at the farm during breaks and some weekends, and of course had his one weekend a month commitment.  It wasn't feasible for me to quit my job and stay home.  We lived on a tight budget.  The Hubby took our pride and joy to daycare while he went to class, and was home with him the rest of the time unless he picked up a job on the side.

While I was still pregnant we also faced the news he was going to be deployed to Iraq. He reacted by stepping back from school and spending more time with his new little family, especially once our little bundle arrived.  A few days before Christmas we got a phone call that the deployment had been cancelled.  I held my 2 month old baby tight and decided it was the best Christmas present I had ever gotten.

Here I am now, nearing 3 years later.  Still working full time with TWO babies and the Hubby really is deployed.  Here I am looking for daycare again.  Here I am the mother of a 2 year old who has been kicked out of daycare. *Sigh*  I took the news bad.  My daycare provider didn't feel that the Toddler was "meshing" well with the other kids and that because I "parent differently" it wouldn't work out.  I didn't handle it in the grown up professional way I would have liked to.  Instead I cried my eyes out....and I couldn't stop crying.  I cried all of the drive home, and I cried all that night.  In fact my Toddler was begging me "Mommy, you need stop crying now".  I couldn't stop and I couldn't eat...and I couldn't sleep.  I cried so hard I started to throw up. The boys went to bed early and I just sat on the couch and bawled.

Was it time to pick out an orange jumpsuit and quarantine my offspring from other human contact?  Was I really such a horrible parent that I had already ruined my child's life at the mere age of 2?  Should I have backed down from my belief that only the child's parents are allowed to spank him?  Do I really have the only toddler in the world that has a hard time sharing toys and squabbles with other little kids?  Is his behavior extremely different when he is out of my sight?  Is he unmanageable?  By no means am I anti-spanking, by no means have I never spanked him...but I have found it isn't necessary for every indiscretion because a firm voice or reminder has pretty much always resolved any situation in the past.  Is everyone's definition of spanking the same? Should I discipline or spank him on the spot if I hear he was naughty earlier in the day?  Am I wrong in thinking the corrective behavior needs to happen at the time of the incident, not later in the day because he isn't old enough to put the two actions together?

I felt like the worst mom in the world, I had already been questioning my abilities to parent my kids for a year on my own.  Already worried if I was doing a good enough job, while also struggling with the guilt that I wasn't home with them.  Aren't all good mom's home with their kids? Would they be better behaved children if I was home with them? After all, in our "plan" we decided that was the best possible decision for our family.

After a couple nights to sleep on it, and questioning past childcare providers and those who have watched my kids (including other children with them). I was informed "congratulations you have a toddler". The consensus was that he is a smart, active, aggressive type A personality little boy. He pushes boundaries and limits, but they all said  it took just a reminder or explanation to resolve it.  That he actually listened and responded well.  Was I really going to let one negative opinion override all the positives? I sure felt like it at the time  Do I show my children love, teach by example, and kept them clean and fed? yes. I was reassured I was doing fine. Is fine good enough?

In reflection, the happiest I have been with childcare was when the provider had similar parenting views as myself.  Wouldn't it just make sense that it also makes it a better fit on the providers end?

I will always deal with guilt for not being at home with my children, I will always have doubts and questions regarding if I am doing a good enough job.  I will always wish I could stay home with them (maybe after this deployment we can re-evaluate). But you know what I decided?  I don't need to feel guilty for working, or even enjoying working outside of the home.  My children are still loved. They can still have the upbringing my husband and I agreed on.  The Toddler has already learned please, thank you, you're welcome and excuse me.  They pickup toys at the end of day, put books back on the bookshelf.  They follow me around to "help" me around the house, whether its unloading the dishwasher, throwing clothes in the washer, or helping stir supper.  The neighbors seem to think they  play good with their children, and both boys would rather be outside than watching TV indoors.  They may not be perfect, they may have tantrums, and they may need reminders on how to behave.  They are still learning.  They may be spoiled more than they would be if the Hubby was home, but they are loved beyond all measure.  They get hugs, kisses, and I-Love-Yous everyday.  We say morning prayers together, and the Toddler reminds me if I forget.  I may not be the best mom, but I am doing my best.  Watching over my boys as they sleep, I know in my heart that my best is good enough.

Ups and Downs

Embarrassing confession...I stepped on a scale and currently weigh 65 pounds more than when the Hubby and I started dating!  Definite goal for this deployment is to get my pre-baby body back. I want to look better for myself and my husband. I want to be a healthy role model for my children, and have the energy to keep up with them...but I am struggling with adding more activity and healthier eating.

• I have upped my water intake, cut back on other drinks expect my Lo-carb Monster energy drink and coffee.  I guess that is the next step...goodbye caffeine, or at least no more than one cup a day! (Sorry co-workers, I might be crabby going through the withdrawal)

• I have been trying to play with the kids more in the backyard and seems like only talking about taking walks.  Time to get serious and actually take walks after work and dust off my Pilate's DVDs.  Once I finish cleaning out the garage I will also have the elliptical available.  What is a reasonable starting goal - 20 to 30 minutes a exercise/activity a night?

• Bountiful Baskets have added to the fruits and veggies available in the house, but I tend to mainly feed that to the boys.  I know the kids are eating healthier than me...I guess portion control and bad choices when eating out are getting me.  I need to get back to lo-carb eating like I did while pregnant with the Big D and controlling gestational diabetes...which means eating breakfast and  5-6 mini meals rather than snacking for lunch and a supper.

• My motivators, I would like to run a 5K when the Hubby gets home, to do something for myself all for myself, and  proving I can do it.  Also one of my best friends from High School is getting married and having a destination wedding in St. Lucia next fall...I want to wear a bikini on the beach without feeling self-conscious...okay, I am more comfortable being modest, so I probably won't, but I want to have the option.

I am full of excuses, after work I am exhausted, in the morning I am exhausted and getting the kids ready for daycare and myself presentable for work seems like more than I can manage some days.  Lately it feels like there isn't anything that I can manage.  Getting healthy gets pushed to the back burner and I have a feeling that is what contributes to a cycle of blah and wishful thinking without action.

I can clearly see my mood reflected in my housekeeping. 

When I am feeling good: everything is neat, tidy, airy and happy feeling. Toys and books are put away before bed time. Dishes are done as soon as the table is cleared.  The kids and I cuddle and read books before bed, we stretch out on the floor and have tickle wars.  When I feel good I make time for playing outside in the backyard, being mentally present for one-on-one time with each of the kids.  Conversations with the Toddler, and being lead on an adventure guided by only his imagination.  Cuddling with the Big D and pointing out each other's noses, and practicing new words. Clearing off the table and getting out the finger paint or crayons...making sure no one eats the art supplies.  I let the boys 'help' unload the dishwasher, we make homemade 'ice cream' in the food processor using frozen bananas and peanut butter.  We vacuum every evening after supper and make sure to brush teeth before heading off to bed. I have a schedule and adhere to it, when my head hits the pillow it feels like an accomplished day that I wish my husband was home to enjoy.  I say a quick prayer that he is well and make a mental note for another care package idea. I smile and laugh freely and have a positive spin on everything. We are managing.

When I get down: the dishwasher is full dishes waiting to be put away, the table and highchair need wiped down, laundry is piling in the utility room & bedrooms, and neglected baskets of folded clothes are laying around for weeks asking to get put away instead of rummaged through.  The mirror in the bathroom has smudge marks and hand prints...so do all of the windows.  Clutter is taking over the counter tops, and dust is finding a home in all the nooks and crannies.  The biggest housekeeping achievement I can find is that the garbage is taken out on a regular basis.  Projects and cleaning are started, but the putting things away follow through is missing. Toys litter the entire house, books are strewn throughout, and mushed cheerios are left under the highchair. I find a sippy cup that has long been rolled under the couch and brace myself as I open it to find out if it is full of soured milk or stale water.  I pop in a movie or let the boys watch a few episodes of Super Why on Netflix. I feel too exhausted for anything else.  They will have to be content with fresh diapers, food in their tummies, and a mother than is only physically present. I am only going through the motions. I can feel depression trying to creep in, but hasn't quite caught a foothold. I feel embarrassed if anyone were to stop by and see the state of my house, enough that I wish I could pretend we weren't even home when someone does stop by.  Why don't visitors ever come after I have tidied up?

I feel overwhelmed,  and I feel stressed.  I make plans to go somewhere on the weekend because the walls of my house begin to close in and feel like a prison.  This only makes the housekeeping fall behind more. I don't want to cook, I don't want to pickup messes all day...all I can do is count down the minutes until I can send the boys to bed and think of when I can crawl in bed and dream of somewhere happier...yet nighttime comes and I can't sleep.  I miss my husband and stare at a computer screen until the wee hours hoping for an email, or his name to pop up on Skype...anything.  I mindlessly look for something to snack on...I take a shower and pour Irish Spring gel under the water so its smells like he is home, I finally give up and cry myself to sleep and hate the lonely. I drag myself out of bed and survive until lunch time on caffeine and energy drinks.  I begin to feel shaky and remember I haven't eaten and my blood sugar is dropping=bad nutrition choices. I just have to eat something at this point and always overdo it. I feel guilty for not keeping up on anything, can I get out of this rut? I fake a smile and hope that is enough to turn everything around again. In my mind I tell myself everything will be better when he comes home from the deployment...but in my heart I know I have to make the changes now, especially if I am going to meet my goals.

Care Package #4

Rainbow Swirl Angel Food Cake

I tried it!  I baked a cake in a mason jar!

I had stumbled across www.fiftytwocakes.com. A woman and military spouse who challenged herself to make 52 cakes in a year.  She didn't want her deployed hubby to miss out so every week she sent her husband a cake in a mason jar!  Brilliant!  I am no grand baker, nor am I pushing myself to learn...but I did think that sending cakes in jars to my Hubby would be fun.

I didn't take pictures of the process, but DO follow the tip of not filling the jar over 1/2 full....cake rises *forehead smack*

My husband's favorite cake is angel food, and I failed at the idea of making a matching cake for the Big D and daddy.  The Birthday in a Box carepackage didn't happen.  Which as it turns out is okay.  Hubby informed me N-O knickknacks, nothing that takes up space, there just isn't room....but go ahead and send the cake...lol.

As I learned my lesson that hubby isn't into decorated packages, I kept it plain jane. He prefers that I stick to requests or something disposable as they are just flat limited on space. Apparently the appreciation of pizzaz is just a me thing. He just throws it all away and could care less.  Sentiment is nice, but share it in an email. Gotcha, over and out!

***For significant others who DO appreciate decor and presentation - I think it would be fun to include party favors, a mini pennant banner maybe out of felt and bakers twine, confetti, or print off pictures from the party on regular paper to line the box. ***


This week's request - beef jerky and trail mix, and of course the cake with a plastic fork!

I used a Betty Crocker Angel Food box mix...well because it was late, the kids were crabby, I finally had them in bed, I wanted to go to bed, plus I was tired and lazy.  Box mix it is.  I put a few drops of food coloring in, hoping to get a swirly rainbow-esque batter to hint at the Birthday boys layered rainbow cake.  Uhmm...it was okay, but not really what I was going for.  I couldn't help myself but at least dress up the jar with some ribbon before wrapping it up tight in grocery bags (next shopping trip I am stocking up on bubble wrap).

Done and Done!

Did You Know?

***Disclaimer: this one isn't funny or upbeat***

How is it I can cry myself to sleep at night because I want nothing more than to hear your voice? Did you know that your absence can actually bring physical pain?

How is it when I get a phone call from you, when I wasn't expecting to be able to hear from you, it brings me to tears?

I knew this would/will be hard.  I also thought as the days ticked by it would be a little easier....it isn't.
Did you know as the days slowly crawl by it gets harder?

I'm trying to stay strong, I'm trying to fight the emotions and the lonely.  Its hard, though I'm sure no where near as hard as what you are doing.  At least at the end of the day I have our boys to hold.
What do you have for comforts?

Do you have the support I do?

Are you getting enough sleep?  I no longer sleep, but for different reasons I'm sure.

Did you know most nights I am on Skype until at least midnight, just in case you might get on?  When I finally do go to bed I hold my phone and stare at it for hours, just in case you might call.

Are you getting enough to eat?  Did you know I actually miss cooking for you? For all those nights of leftovers (or frozen pizza) because I didn't feel like making supper...I regret them.

Does the busy keep your mind occupied?  Do you ever feel overwhelmed when you are alone?

Do you even have any time alone?

I told myself a small silver lining would be cooking whatever I want, all the foods you don't like...they all taste like crap.  I find myself making your favorites and missing you even more.

I can't believe I am admitting this but I even miss:

• tripping over your boots all over the house
• picking up stray socks
• cleaning up whiskers out of the sink
• watching you read your book, when the Toddler wants you to read his to him
• calling to ask when you are coming home from the farm
• you waking up the boys to tell them goodnight, and starting the bedtime fight all over again
• you waking me up because I am snoring
• fighting over the blankets
• all the little trivial things I whined about before you left

I miss you, and this is hard.  I want nothing more than for you to be home.

I wanted to send care packages full of love, and I don't even know what to send. I had plans of fun thoughtful additions, so far its just been requests thrown in a box. I have trouble actually putting one together, it is just another reminder we are apart.

I know your sacrifice is greater than mine, but I still find myself having a pity party.

What's going on in your mind and heart?

Do know how much I love you?

Daddy's Boys

Toddler: We going to {town} and seeing Daddy

Me: Nope, remember daddy isn't here.

Toddler: See Daddy at home?

Me: No, remember daddy is gone for his army job.

Toddler: I want to go to Army too!

Me: You are too little.

Toddler: Daddy and me Army, Daddy and me heroes!

I laughed when we got home, he climbed up on the computer chair, leaned back and looked at the computer with his arms folded behind his head and said: "Okay Daddy, talk to me!"

Obviously Skype is a wonderful thing that the boys and I enjoy, however he hasn't figured out that we don't get to call or talk with Daddy on our schedule. We have to wait for Daddy on his time....he also apparently thinks our computer is voice operated.  (Which sounds pretty neat actually, someone get on that!)

Then he looked at the computer and said "okay maybe later...bye-bye Daddy" and went off to play. I'm not sure if he identifies with the computer as Daddy because of Skype or because the current wallpaper is a picture of him.

It is hard to pile on Dad when he is on the other side of a computer screen.

He takes what he can get and so far includes Daddy in everything he is doing.
If its lunch time, he tells me "Daddy is hungry and eating too."  If its nap time, "Daddy is sleepy and needs to nap too." I think its cute, and probably helps him feel closer to Dad if he thinks they are doing the same things.

The Big D is harder to know how he is feeling.  He lit uplike a Christmas tree at seeing Daddy during our Skype date and tried to grab him.  He was reaching out for him to hold him, apparently even all these miles apart the Hubby is still the favorite parent.  When the Toddler was brothers age he would crawl/walk throughout the house looking for Daddy when he was gone.  I haven't noticed that as much with the Big D, but then again he is playing/chasing/trying to get away from his big brother.  Flash him a picture of his Daddy though and you are guaranteed a huge toothy smile and sometimes a "Dada Dada Dada"

I think I am going to order the boys a flat daddy: a life size picture of Daddy, it is supposed to help little ones when a parent is gone for a long time.  Now I have to see if I actually have a good picture of the Hubby...he is a camera dodger from way back.

The Toddler has also learned to use my cellphone....and has called Daddy on occasion, once actually getting him.  Trying to explain we have to wait for Daddy to call us doesn't sink in.  He wants Daddy on demand, if he doesn't answer we move on to other people who were recently called.  So if you get a weird call from a little voice talking about olives, babies walking, or scary monsters...it's not a prank call.  And I'm sorry.

Deployment Day

Me: Okay, Load up, it's time to head for home

Toddler: And see daddy? 

Me: No honey, daddy isn't home. Remember?

Toddler: Daddy is going up in the plane 

Me: Yep, daddy went up in the plane and he is gone for his army job now. And he is going to be gone for a long, long time.

Toddler: Yeah, daddy flew home in the plane. We see him when we get home.

...this is going to take a while to sink in I have a feeling.  This basic conversation was repeated multiple times today.  Regarding restaurants, a rest stop, and stopping to visit friends.  Everywhere I said we were headed he thought we were going to meet daddy there.

Deployment Day Recap:

My handsome hubby ready to the leave the hotel, but being forced to pose for a picture AND smile.


(The picture is grainy because it was taken on my cellphone before I wiped off the lens from the latest kiddo grubby hand mauling)

Isn't he handsome?

On the way to the armory...but first, pit stop for coffee! 

The Big D taking a walk in Armory

The Soldiers in formation to get on the buses and head to the airport. 

The Hubby is in the very back row, 2nd in from the left.

The Toddler getting tickled outside of the Jet Center. It was chilly and windy, but I wasn't being a good parent - so short sleeves and no coat for the small child.

Before you turn me into CPS though, the sun came out and it warmed up.

Have you ever noticed how a child can change the mood quicker than? ... I dunno, quicker than some clever witty saying.  They can change your mood in a flash.  I am standing outside, holding the Toddler, my MIL (Mother in Law) holding the Big D...both of us blubbering and blowing snot watching the soldiers marching in line to get on the plane, Toddler had just picked his nose and dropped a booger down my shirt (the same booger that 4 adults with kleenex failed to get) and then puts a finger on the tip of my nose and pushes it up and loudly says "Check Mommy for boogers!"  I needed that moment of brevity to laugh. To break the tension.  After-all its hard to feel  too serious with a 2 year old trying to stick a finger up your nose.

Earlier I had been holding it together better until being my snotty selfish self I was starting to get pissed  a little annoyed that the Hubby had to stop and chat and visit with every soldier we passed (who he will spend everyday of the next year with) instead of paying complete attention to his family (who he had limited time with).  The crowded little building was getting to be too much for the Toddler, and myself as well actually.  We went outside to be free of the feeling of a sardine can.  When the Toddler (who had been snubbing his father) suddenly wanted nothing other than daddy...but he couldn't bring himself to go back into the building.  It was still too crowded, we tried a couple times. Everytime he peeked in and saw all the people he backed right back out. I passed on the word to a few friends walking in the building to send Daddy out.  The Toddler is now sobbing "I want my Daddy" when he finally walks out  he ran to him hugging him tight.  The Hubby loses it, I lose it...so there we are 3/4 of my family crying.  Thank god all the news cameras were on the other side.

One little person can change the mood so fast.  You would almost think they have more insight then we give them credit for....now if they could just understand time and how airplane flights work.


 **PS - Thank you Mom for coming with me and helping with the boys.  Your support meant more than you will probably ever know.

 I hear ya Mom, I'm not ready for him to leave either. But whatcha gonna do?

Let our Hugs Do the Talking

Hi my name is Worry

Something has been eating away at me.  One of the remarks made repeatedly by the keynote speaker at the yellow ribbon ceremony is that after the deployment don't be surprised if you outgrow some of your friends, because they may simply no longer be able to relate to you. They can't understand what you have been through. I am not oblivious to the increased rate of divorce after deployment, and its bugging me because...I hope our relationship can't be outgrown.

I am a worrier by nature, anyone that knows me can tell you that.  But I already had been worrying about if the man I am about "stand beside" for a year without seeing him, will be the same man that comes home.  I have seen first hand some pretty impressive changes in personalities, and its hard because its something I can't prepare for. It is also something I don't know what the end result will be.  I know that I love my husband and that when we said our "I Do's", we meant forever. What if he comes home and I can't be there for him the way he wants/needs me to be?  I won't be able to understand or relate to what he has been through...I have no idea what he is in store for.  What if he "outgrows" me? All I have is a plan to send a care package every week he is gone from home...which seems weak at the moment.

Okay, I got that off my chest...from here on out positive thinking and happy countdowns until we are reunited. (Reunited...he isn't even gone yet...yeesh)

For the boys and some care package plans, I am going to order a Flat Daddy (like a fat head, but of the Hubby).  For holidays, birthdays, and other celebrations "the Hubby" can be in the pictures.  Also as it sounds like Skype will be limited, it will help the boys see daddy everyday.  We are also going to record him reading favorite books and stories, and do a few recordable books and a recordable photo album (which I am most excited about)  Daddy's voice will tell them about each picture

So far I am thinking of including:

Mommy & Daddy's wedding day
First time Daddy holding the Toddler
First time Daddy holding the Big D
5 Generation Pictures
Driving tractor with Daddy
Hanging out with Grandpa
Any of the Hubby's favorite pictures/memories he wants to share with the boys

Anywho - that's the plan to keep daddy's image and voice in their everyday lives while he is gone.

Time to Panic?

The hubby's deployment is set for this Spring, and well with the 70+ degree weather outside its sinking in that Spring is coming. Well technically as of this week its here. WOW! the time is creeping up on us faster than I would like.  He keeps telling me, the faster it gets here the faster its over.  With the training he has left, I have realized time at home with my whole family is getting limited.

Next moment of panic, I started remembering all kinds of projects we need to get done around the house. But mostly I am in planning mode! Hubby agreed to let me throw him a pre-deployment party.
 
Send-Off Party (what I have planned so far):

• I would like to get a bunch of his friends and family together a before he goes to they can tell him how proud they are of him and give him the support he deserves.  Problem, I only know his more immediate family and don't know who else to invite because we live in the small town he grew up in...he knows everybody...and I don't.  Word of mouth, open invite in the paper? Tacky, yes or no?
• I ordered invites from Mixbook.com to send out also.  Love them!
• I'm thinking a patriotic theme.  Orientaltrading.com has some americana bunting ($6 each); bundle of american flags ($4.25 for 144); support out troops flags ($5.99 for 72) ;Tin centerpieces ($13/dozen).  I think the prices are pretty good. I already have garland, my MIL has 4th of July plates and napkins.  I also ordered some Americana table runners ($4.99 each, but I had coupons) from Hobby Lobby. So for decorations I will spend under $70.00. (Bonus: down the road the extras can be used for 4th of July decorations...and of course the Welcome Home Party!!)
• Red, White, and Blue Balloons.. I'll probably tie them to the tin centerpieces. Easy decoration and kid entertainment.
• Apothecary jars filled with red, white, & blue candy...or sand?
• I have most everything on hand for the food. I'm thinking simple, just sloppy joes w/salads. 
• My awesome and talented cake making Aunt is making the cake.  I am super excited to see what she comes up with.  I will definitely post pictures (with her approval of course).
• My boss said I could use the safety room at work (very large room already set up with table and chairs, also setup for a buffet with outlets accessible)
• I want to get letters and notes from all the people in his life to incorporate into care packages.  So he can have words of encouragement that will keep on coming throughout his deployment. 
• On the invites I asked guests to come prepared to share their favorite memories of/with the Hubby.  I will have them write those memories down, or possibly record them, and will be putting together a special little scrapbook to send to him.  Whenever he feels homesick, he can see that we are missing him too!
• I am also planning on having an address book/notebook for people to write down their name and email addresses if they would like me to share updates.

***I deal with stress by getting wrapped up in something and planning.  I am aware the little details don't ultimately matter, but it's one of my ways of showing I care. With so much out of my control, I like planning for what I can.***

Anyone have any ideas or tips they would be willing to share?

I will be using the blog with my ideas for weekly care packages.  I am actually going to start putting some together before he leaves, and once he is over there and has requests I will add in the necessary items to the sentimental/novelty ones.

Hubby made the News!

The hubby is off for 3 weeks of training, and I got to see on the news what part of his training pertained to.  Well he had already told me he was taking a Pashto language class, but the Toddler and I both still thought it was pretty cool to see Daddy on TV! (the soldier on the right is pretty popular in our house)

If you are interested here is the link to the story:
http://www.krtv.com/news/afghan-language-lessons-for-montana-national-guard-soldiers/#!prettyPhoto[gallery]/0/

Yellow Ribbon

I spent a long (in every sense of the word) weekend in Billings for my 1st Pre-Deployment Yellow Ribbon Workshop.  Much of it made me feel like livestock being prodded around and moved from pen to pen without much rhyme or reason.  Some of the breakout sessions I was disappointed in, some I was surprised by.  All in all I gathered much more information than I realized I wanted needed to know.

I won't say much about the topics I actually was interested in, and cared about. As they pertained to more specific details of the Deployment. Like dates and what a possible typical day for the Hubby will be like.  Thank you OPSEC for making me paranoid.

I also spent the weekend listening to acronyms, and though I held back, I did  feel compelled to yell out random letters from the alphabet and see how they like to be left out on code talk. But alas, my random letters would probably mean something and it would defeat the purpose.  So I did what I always do when I am with the Hubby and other soldiers....lean in and say "What does fill in the blank mean?"  After I have done this about 3 times per sentence for a couple minutes, they start to get the hint and talk in English...for a little while.

One of the best things about the weekend is that one of the Hubby's best friends was there. He is deploying with a different unit, but missed his Yellow Ribbon due to training and had to make it up.  I really wish they were going together, I would feel much better knowing they had each others back.  Wives's don't get to have their way with everything though, and I was happy they got to hang out. It had been too long.  In the Hubby and my early dating days this particular buddy was described by my future husband as "attached to his hip"....lol.

To be completely honest I actually think I owe my marriage to him.  If he hadn't approved of me, I don't know how things would have ended up.  He saw my ring before I did, and had dates worked out better, he would have been the best man in our wedding.  So naturally I spent some of my free time quizzing him down about what he likes, because he is on my care package mailing list also.

Another cool thing to come from the Yellow Ribbon dealio.  All the children that were there and attended the provided daycare made a big flag with their handprints.

A Big, Big flag!  With white handprints for the stars and the red stripes made by assorted sized handprints.  The kids walked it in (sans the napping toddlers and babies) and presented it to the Captain with a request for him to take it overseas, and to bring it back when the deployment is over. He promised to display it with pride and they folded it up all official like. It was one of the moments that actually got to me.  I had quite a few walls up trying to block out emotion throughout the weekend.

I wish I had my camera and could have gotten a picture, it really was an awesome flag.

I wish I would have brought my camera along period, and gotten pictures of anything.