Thursday, September 27, 2012

Some Days are Harder than Others

The past few weeks have been hard.

The feeling of being alone while around other people.

The even bigger feeling of being alone when no one is around.

It is knowing that no one around you can understand.

It is the sympathy from people who don't really get it, but genuinely seem to want to. The pity that makes it worse.

It is living so far away from the people that do get it and are going through the same thing.

It is wanting to get out of the house and do something fun, but feeling guilty for it.

It is the people you want to be there for you that aren't. Those you thought you could rely on that you can't.

It is staying up late because you are in the habit of going to bed at the same time as your husband...but he isn't there.

It is falling asleep holding the phone night after night and never having it ring.

It is trying not to cry when your child talks about his Daddy being gone and what they will do when he comes home.

It is trying to explain to two children under 3 that everything is going to be okay, and telling them what you need to hear.

It is the struggle with the changes you see in yourself.  The hardest adjustments to marriage for me:  accepting help, considering other opinions, compromising and deciding courses of action together.  Now I struggle with feeling helpless because I allowed myself to become dependent, to let him make choices and decisions, letting go and trusting him...and now being alone. Now I am supposed to make all the calls, and its hard.  It was hard to give up having the final say, but it has been even harder taking it back.

It is moving farther away from the family you have known all of your life to establish your own family...and then feeling abandoned.

It is feeling like your support system has been stolen from you.

It is feeling guilty for taking some much time from the people that you can rely on and count on.

That the person who means the most in the world is so far away and unreachable and you realize you really are on your own.

It is putting on a smile when you feel like crying.

It is taking a deep breath when you feel like screaming.

It is missing the one person that always made everything better and put things in perspective.

It is feeling like a ship in the ocean with no anchor.  Just drifting with no feeling of home.

It is battling depression and anxiety, while the side effects of the medication are the same as the symptoms.

It is not wanting to ask for help, but knowing you need it.

It is trying to become numb and trying to stay the same person.

It is hard and it hurts. But I am not the only one to go through this.  I will not be the last to go through this.  I will get through this.  I am stronger than this. All I need to do is remember to pray, gather strength from God and cross out another day on the calendar.

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