Monday, June 25, 2012

Ups and Downs

Embarrassing confession...I stepped on a scale and currently weigh 65 pounds more than when the Hubby and I started dating!  Definite goal for this deployment is to get my pre-baby body back. I want to look better for myself and my husband. I want to be a healthy role model for my children, and have the energy to keep up with them...but I am struggling with adding more activity and healthier eating.

  • I have upped my water intake, cut back on other drinks expect my Lo-carb Monster energy drink and coffee.  I guess that is the next step...goodbye caffeine, or at least no more than one cup a day! (Sorry co-workers, I might be crabby going through the withdrawal)

  • I have been trying to play with the kids more in the backyard and seems like only talking about taking walks.  Time to get serious and actually take walks after work and dust off my Pilate's DVDs.  Once I finish cleaning out the garage I will also have the elliptical available.  What is a reasonable starting goal - 20 to 30 minutes a exercise/activity a night?

  • Bountiful Baskets have added to the fruits and veggies available in the house, but I tend to mainly feed that to the boys.  I know the kids are eating healthier than me...I guess portion control and bad choices when eating out are getting me.  I need to get back to lo-carb eating like I did while pregnant with the Big D and controlling gestational diabetes...which means eating breakfast and  5-6 mini meals rather than snacking for lunch and a supper.

  • My motivators, I would like to run a 5K when the Hubby gets home, to do something for myself all for myself, and  proving I can do it.  Also one of my best friends from High School is getting married and having a destination wedding in St. Lucia next fall...I want to wear a bikini on the beach without feeling self-conscious...okay, I am more comfortable being modest, so I probably won't, but I want to have the option.

I am full of excuses, after work I am exhausted, in the morning I am exhausted and getting the kids ready for daycare and myself presentable for work seems like more than I can manage some days.  Lately it feels like there isn't anything that I can manage.  Getting healthy gets pushed to the back burner and I have a feeling that is what contributes to a cycle of blah and wishful thinking without action.

I can clearly see my mood reflected in my housekeeping. 

When I am feeling good: everything is neat, tidy, airy and happy feeling. Toys and books are put away before bed time. Dishes are done as soon as the table is cleared.  The kids and I cuddle and read books before bed, we stretch out on the floor and have tickle wars.  When I feel good I make time for playing outside in the backyard, being mentally present for one-on-one time with each of the kids.  Conversations with the Toddler, and being lead on an adventure guided by only his imagination.  Cuddling with the Big D and pointing out each other's noses, and practicing new words. Clearing off the table and getting out the finger paint or crayons...making sure no one eats the art supplies.  I let the boys 'help' unload the dishwasher, we make homemade 'ice cream' in the food processor using frozen bananas and peanut butter.  We vacuum every evening after supper and make sure to brush teeth before heading off to bed. I have a schedule and adhere to it, when my head hits the pillow it feels like an accomplished day that I wish my husband was home to enjoy.  I say a quick prayer that he is well and make a mental note for another care package idea. I smile and laugh freely and have a positive spin on everything. We are managing.

When I get down: the dishwasher is full dishes waiting to be put away, the table and highchair need wiped down, laundry is piling in the utility room & bedrooms, and neglected baskets of folded clothes are laying around for weeks asking to get put away instead of rummaged through.  The mirror in the bathroom has smudge marks and hand do all of the windows.  Clutter is taking over the counter tops, and dust is finding a home in all the nooks and crannies.  The biggest housekeeping achievement I can find is that the garbage is taken out on a regular basis.  Projects and cleaning are started, but the putting things away follow through is missing. Toys litter the entire house, books are strewn throughout, and mushed cheerios are left under the highchair. I find a sippy cup that has long been rolled under the couch and brace myself as I open it to find out if it is full of soured milk or stale water.  I pop in a movie or let the boys watch a few episodes of Super Why on Netflix. I feel too exhausted for anything else.  They will have to be content with fresh diapers, food in their tummies, and a mother than is only physically present. I am only going through the motions. I can feel depression trying to creep in, but hasn't quite caught a foothold. I feel embarrassed if anyone were to stop by and see the state of my house, enough that I wish I could pretend we weren't even home when someone does stop by.  Why don't visitors ever come after I have tidied up?

I feel overwhelmed,  and I feel stressed.  I make plans to go somewhere on the weekend because the walls of my house begin to close in and feel like a prison.  This only makes the housekeeping fall behind more. I don't want to cook, I don't want to pickup messes all day...all I can do is count down the minutes until I can send the boys to bed and think of when I can crawl in bed and dream of somewhere happier...yet nighttime comes and I can't sleep.  I miss my husband and stare at a computer screen until the wee hours hoping for an email, or his name to pop up on Skype...anything.  I mindlessly look for something to snack on...I take a shower and pour Irish Spring gel under the water so its smells like he is home, I finally give up and cry myself to sleep and hate the lonely. I drag myself out of bed and survive until lunch time on caffeine and energy drinks.  I begin to feel shaky and remember I haven't eaten and my blood sugar is dropping=bad nutrition choices. I just have to eat something at this point and always overdo it. I feel guilty for not keeping up on anything, can I get out of this rut? I fake a smile and hope that is enough to turn everything around again. In my mind I tell myself everything will be better when he comes home from the deployment...but in my heart I know I have to make the changes now, especially if I am going to meet my goals.


  1. Oh, sweet girl!
    I've lived on the corner of Down and Despair, but never (of course) with a deployed husband. Or is that "without a deployed husband"? Hmmm...

    So, reading this, I want to hug you because I was there about 5 years ago; right down to the 65 pounds and weird sleep(less) patterns. I still end up there occasionally in January, because January is the meanest month and I don't know why.

    I finally had to swallow all sorts of pride and go to the doctor, who prescribed me some Welbutrin, which is an anti-depressant. I know medication isn't the answer, but for me, it helped me come to a more normal level so I could work the other stuff out. That's when I started running. That's when I started noticing everything around me...good AND bad. And I started pulling it together, little tiny bit by little tiny bit.

    It's not the answer, but it's a thought.

    Also, DO invite a couple friends over. You don't feel like it right now, but it will do you good like medicine. For one thing, you'll get at least ONE room in your house pulled together out of necessity. For another, it will give you something to plan and think about. Finally,(and I'm not into New Age anything, realize) your house will have good, happy vibes from the time they were there. Except if someone's kid tries to flush a kitten. There's no recovering from THAT. :)

    Could you message me your address on FB?

    Sending (((((BIG HUGS))))) from Cohagen!

  2. Thank you for the kind words. I have struggled off and on with depression ever since I was in High School. I do need to make an appointment with my Doctor and discuss maybe trying a Rx again, in the back of my mind I am scared of that option. In High School they made me numb, and I decided I preferred to feel the hurt than to feel nothing at all. I am reaching a point where revisiting might be the best option though, if I could get my energy and focus back I am hoping everything else would start falling in place.

  3. Hang in there...I don't know if it helps or not, but I go through the same thing and I have a husband who is home. I think you are doing an amazing job! When things settle down a little more around our house I will make more weekend trips to visit you...even if you are praying that the odd lady (who always seems to be singing like life is a musical) with the two loud, ambitious yet whiny children, will believe that you are not home, while in reality the lights are off and everyone is hiding on the kitchen floor being very very quiet. I LOVE YOU! Things will get better...

    1. Love you too sis! And thankyou, but you have been to my house before right? "Very Very Quiet" is something that I have long believed to be Urband Legend and quiet frankly I think is only as real as the Easter Bunny.