Friday, May 25, 2012

Did You Know?

***Disclaimer: this one isn't funny or upbeat***

How is it I can cry myself to sleep at night because I want nothing more than to hear your voice? Did you know that your absence can actually bring physical pain?

How is it when I get a phone call from you, when I wasn't expecting to be able to hear from you, it brings me to tears?

I knew this would/will be hard.  I also thought as the days ticked by it would be a little isn't.
Did you know as the days slowly crawl by it gets harder?

I'm trying to stay strong, I'm trying to fight the emotions and the lonely.  Its hard, though I'm sure no where near as hard as what you are doing.  At least at the end of the day I have our boys to hold.
What do you have for comforts?

Do you have the support I do?

Are you getting enough sleep?  I no longer sleep, but for different reasons I'm sure.

Did you know most nights I am on Skype until at least midnight, just in case you might get on?  When I finally do go to bed I hold my phone and stare at it for hours, just in case you might call.

Are you getting enough to eat?  Did you know I actually miss cooking for you? For all those nights of leftovers (or frozen pizza) because I didn't feel like making supper...I regret them.

Does the busy keep your mind occupied?  Do you ever feel overwhelmed when you are alone?

Do you even have any time alone?

I told myself a small silver lining would be cooking whatever I want, all the foods you don't like...they all taste like crap.  I find myself making your favorites and missing you even more.

I can't believe I am admitting this but I even miss:
  • tripping over your boots all over the house
  • picking up stray socks
  • cleaning up whiskers out of the sink
  • watching you read your book, when the Toddler wants you to read his to him
  • calling to ask when you are coming home from the farm
  • you waking up the boys to tell them goodnight, and starting the bedtime fight all over again
  • you waking me up because I am snoring
  • fighting over the blankets
  • all the little trivial things I whined about before you left
I miss you, and this is hard.  I want nothing more than for you to be home.

I wanted to send care packages full of love, and I don't even know what to send. I had plans of fun thoughtful additions, so far its just been requests thrown in a box. I have trouble actually putting one together, it is just another reminder we are apart.

I know your sacrifice is greater than mine, but I still find myself having a pity party.

What's going on in your mind and heart?

Do know how much I love you?

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